I Hate My Penis

A while back I realized something. I hate to say this because it sounds so cliché, but a while back I realized that I’m different. A while back I realized that that I’m not like all the other boys. Nope, I’m not gay. Actually I’m quite the opposite; I realized that I honestly hate boys. Since then I’ve done my best to set myself apart from everyone else. I’ve changed the way I talk, the way I act, the way I think, the way I look, the clothes I wear, etc… There is one thing, however, that I will always always have in common with every guy on earth: a penis.

I just wish that I didn’t have to deal with my stupid penis. Ya see, I hate girls just as much as I hate boys. I’m hardly even attracted to girls. I feel no attraction to them on an emotional level or an intellectual level; however, the reproductive organ between my legs and the copious amounts of testosterone flowing through my veins force me to be attracted to girls on a physical level. Sigh, what a despicable little force physical attraction is. Every time I catch myself glancing at some cleavage I feel like I’ve become closer to the troglodyte masses that I despise so much. Every time I get an erection I’m cruelly reminded of my wretched humanity. Every time I have an orgasm I feel as if a part of me has died.

Luckily, I am VERY good at controlling my libido. I can watch a hot girl take her clothes off and feel nothing. I can go weeks without getting horny. I don’t require, or even want for that matter, vapid emotionless sex. On the other hand, we all know that guys have to have regular orgasms (via sex or masturbation) in order to retain their sanity. This is my curse. To tell you the truth, I don’t even enjoy masturbating anymore. It’s so dirty and disgusting and… primitive.

So here’s my paragraph in which I clarify what I’m trying to say so all of you astute little readers with an inability to think abstractly and/or a tendency to be a smart ass won’t jump all over me. First of all, I don’t wish I had been born a girl. Having a dick is bad enough; if I had to put up with having a vagina, I’d fucking kill myself. I honestly don’t know how chicks can deal with all those emotions, hormones, feelings, and all the bullshit involved with female society. It’s making me sick just thinking about it. Secondly, I won’t just cut my penis off; I have a feeling that that would create more problems that it would solve. (Ya know, I shouldn’t even have had to add that last sentence. If I was dealing with a mature audience I wouldn’t have had to say that. But no, I could already see the people trying to be witty and cute by saying “If you hate it so much, why don’t you cut it off? Teeheehee!” I hate you guys.) Next, I guess I was given the better (or easier at least) of the two genders, but that doesn’t mean that I have to enjoy it. Therefore, I have the right to bitch about it. Lastly, I’ll be damned if I let my emotions control me. I refuse to let trivial things like feelings and desires cloud my judgment. Peoples’ actions are influenced so much by their personal desires. Fuck that. I’ll fight my desires till’ the bitter end. I hate being human…

                                                                                                                                  -G

SOA: Armenia

If I was to ask you “What is the name of the band whose stunning rock ballads and smooth harmonic tone have given meaning to the lives of countless millions and forever changed the music industry. You’d say “Sir, System of a Down, sir” If I was to ask you “Who is the great man that stands against the moral corruption in our system and graces us with the sheer magnificence of his presence alone.” You’d say “Sir, Brandon Kirksey, sir.” Then I’d say “Close, but the answer is ‘Maddox.’”

            It goes without saying that the members of SOAD and Maddox are giants among men. They are crusaders for all that is right and just. Although SOAD and Maddox have radically different beliefs and ways displaying their superior intellects, they are linked together by one common trait: THEY ARE ALL ARMENIAN! When I discovered this I decided to do a little research on  this wonderful and mysterious land of Armenia. What I found was shocking.

            So, I’ll preface this by saying that Armenia was the first nation to adopt Christianity… Hey, we all make mistakes. Other than that, all of the statistics I found on Armenia just support the claim that it is simply better than the US. (Since most of you ignorant Americans think that the US is the “best” country, I’ll show that Armenia is better than the US. Thus, proving that Armenia is the best country ever.) Take it’s climate for example; it has “hot summers, cold winters.” That’s it, no bells, no frills. For comparison, I looked up the climate of the US on the same website and I was bombarded with meaningless words like “temperate,” “semiarid,” and “chinook.” Do you see the difference? Armenia is saying to the US “Listen bitch, this is how we roll. Cold winters, Hot summers. We don’t need you and your fancy-pancy semiarid bullshit.” Their language too indicates that Armenia > all. Can you guess what language Armenians speak? Armenian of course. No tainted version of an awkward language left over from a time long since passed here. (Of course it’s common knowledge that Armenian’s have mastered the ability to communicate telepathically, but a spoken language is needed as a front.) Moving on, the literacy rate of Armenia is 98.6% (the literacy rate of the US is 97%.) 98.6 also happens to be the ideal temperature of the human body ya know. Coincidence? I think not! Then we have government: Armenia- “republic” US- “Constitution-based federal republic; strong democratic tradition” Again, Armenia is short, sweet, to the point, and superior.  There are so many statistics that support my case (when looked at in the right way) that I could go on all day. I think my point has been proven though. So I’ll finish off with a direct quote from Wikipedia:

Armenian leaders remain preoccupied by a long conflict with Azerbaijan over Nagorno-Karabakh, an Armenian-populated enclave that Stalin had placed in Soviet Azerbaijan. Armenia and Azerbaijan began fighting over the enclave in 1988 and the struggle escalated after both countries gained independence from the Soviet Union in 1991. By May 1994, when a cease-fire took hold, ethnic Armenian forces controlled not only Nagorno-Karabakh but also a large part of Azerbaijan proper.

Need I say more?

Of course I need to say more. Allow me to focus on the Armenian people now. I mentioned before that SOAD and Maddox are Armenian. I did some research to find out if there are any other famous people that come from Armenia. It turns out that people from Armenia seem to have a knack for being badass. Here are just a few badass Armenians that did great things for humanity:    

• Hovhannes Abgari Adamian- First creator of  the color television, the most useful invention since abortion
• Kirk Kerkorian- Owner of about 70 % of the Las Vegas strip, the place where people can go to escape the monotany of a sinless existence
• Ross Bagdasarian- Creator of Alvin and the Chipmunks, the best cartoon ever
• Derek Sherinian- Keyboardist for KISS, the great great great grandfathers of modern-day metal
• George Deukmejian- Former Governor of California, an office reserved for only the most elite of american politics
• Raymond V. Damadian- Inventor of the MRI, a machine that allows horny doctors to look through womens’ clothing… and skin
• Varaztad Kazanjian- “Father of Plastic Surgery,” the technique that old rich women and young slutty girls use to give themselves an artificial sense of self-confidence
• Jack Kevorkian- “Dr. Death,” the greatest doctor of our time
• Artem Mikoyan- designer of MiG aircraft, the great fighter of the soon-to-crumble soviet empire
• Luther George Simjian- Inventor of the ATM, postage meter, autofocus camera, and flight simulator, yup

It seems that when Armenians leave their homeland and are surrounded by the inferior non-Armenian masses the true greatness of their characters is revealed.

      While I was doing my research, I ran into a few details about Armenia that lesser minds might see as damaging. The largest one being the "Armenian genocide." Supposedly between 1,000,000 and 1,500,000 Armenians were slaughtered by the Turks in the early 20^th century. Now this could seem like a bad thing to the untrained eye. But really, this helped to thin out the Armenian population. It’s common knowledge that Armenians have discovered the secret to immortality. They were long overdue for a nice massacre to make way for the next generation of Armenian demi-gods.

      There’s so much more that I could say about Armenia, but I doubt anyone will still be reading this by now. So I’ll finish up by giving Armenia, the land of blue skies, green pastures, and ass kickers, my comparatively lackluster:

                                                                                                 -G

Religious Fanatics. Enlightened Individuals, or Slaves to Tradition. You Decide.

Foreword:

I’m back bitches! I haven’t written an article in a very long time. I guess that I, like everyone else, have been caught up in that huge lack of motivation that summer brings with it. It is currently 4:00 a.m. I have to be at the navy base in three hours. I’ve had two months to start writing this article, but for some reason I didn’t feel compelled to write until now, one of the few nights that I actually needed to get some sleep. Funny how things like that happen. Anyway, I have a laundry list of articles that I want to write so I’ll start updating more frequently; I promise.

So this article has to do with religion. I usually don’t talk much about religion simply because EVERYONE has an opinion about it. Ya see, I don’t deal with people and their bullshit very well. That’s why Xanga is the perfect medium for me. I write an article; people comment and let me know how they feel; I ignore their comments because I don’t care how they feel; I’m done, end of story, no arguing, no explaining, no bullshit. Religion is different though, People demand that you justify your beliefs and insist that you listen to their take on religion. I don’t have to justify myself to you. I don’t want to hear your bullshit. Fuck you.

Anyway, the special nature of the topic prevents me from ranting about other religions without at least giving you a hint about my personal religious beliefs. Now, I’ve never told a soul about my personal religious beliefs before 1) because I’ve never been 100% confident in my religious beliefs myself and 2) because my religious beliefs would scare most people. I’ve learned from experience that most of me peers don’t really want to trouble themselves with knowing the whole story or even the truth about me; they’d much rather slap a label on me and judge me accordingly. For that reason, I’ll save you the trouble and just give you a label you can slap on me: Atheist. If you care to hear the whole story, I might write an article about my religious beliefs later. If not, I’ll just leave it at that.

Article:

            I told you guys that I was going to write about Agnosticism. Don’t worry, I’ll get there. But first, something has to be said about religious fanatics. There are a lot of goddamn religious fanatics out there. And I hate every last one of them. Every religion (Agnosticism and Atheism included) has its share of hardcore followers that eat sleep and breathe religion. They go to church like eighty times a week and make it a point to yammer on about their religious beliefs every time they get a chance. The worst thing about these people is that you can’t even talk to them because they’re so positive that they’re right that they refuse to consider or even acknowledge other beliefs.

For the longest time I couldn’t understand why people would devote their lives to something so… so… cliché. But then I realized that religious fanaticism is actually a pretty good deal. Think about it, you get: guaranteed access to Heaven, a strong sense of camaraderie and belonging, forgiveness for all your sins, something to thank for everything good that happens in your life, and a convenient scapegoat to blame everything bad that happenes in your life on. And all you have to do in return is give up the ability to think for yourself and disregard all of the logical evidence that opposes you. (Since most of the people that will read this are Christians, I’ve geared my argument toward Christianity, but keep in mind that this applies to all religions.)

            What’s really funny about religious fanatics is that their beliefs aren’t really their beliefs. Every hardcore Jesus freak that I know of has hardcore Jesus freak parents. Coincidence? I think not! Do you think a hardcore Jesus freak would still be a hardcore Jesus freak if his/her parents were, say, Jewish? Makes you wonder doesn’t it? Parents impose a set of beliefs upon their kids at an early age so they will grow up to be good little Christians, or Jews, or Muslims, or Atheists, or Nazis, or anything, just like mommy and daddy wanted. Kids really don’t question their parents until puberty, and by that time someone can be so caught up in “their” religion that they regard it as law and don’t even consider the fact that other religions are available to them. How can people feel so strongly about something that is just a mere reflection of their parents’ beliefs? How can people blindly believe in everything that some preacher says? How can people be so narrow-minded?

            This is where Agnosticism comes in to play. Trendy kids are following Agnosticism completely independent of their parents, which is good. Unfortunately, that’s the only good thing I can say about Agnosticism. Agnosticism: "The belief that it is not possible to know if there is or is not a God."  Subtract the bullshit (and add a first-person perspective) and this statement means “I don’t know if God exists or not.” Tell me, what the fuck is so revolutionary about that? No one really knows if God exists or not. All anyone can do is have faith that God exists. That’s why faith is a fundamental aspect of every religion. Congratulations kids, you’re all dumbasses. “I don’t know if God exists or not.” C’mon, I can’t believe that people actually have the audacity to call Agnosticism a religion. (That does it, I’m not even going to capitalize it anymore. Take that agnosticism!) Seems to me like agnosticism is nothing more than a way for people to take the easy way out when it comes to religion. Agnosticism is a great guilt-free escape for people who really want to think that God does not exist, but are so afraid of going to Hell that they won’t commit to Atheism as well as people who really want to think that God exists, but lack the faith necessary to stand by their beliefs. So if you weren’t brainwashed by your parents as a kid and you’re too lazy to do research and come up with your own beliefs and you want to escape the taboo associated with Atheism, then go ahead and take the easy way out; be agnostic. Just remember two things: 1) Your so called “religion” is nothing more than a pathetic, juvenile attempt to beat the system. 2) I’m going to kill you. Have a nice day.

                                                                                                -G

I Hate Kids that Hate Emo

There are two trends in high school society that have really been pissing me off lately: Agnosticism and the hatred of emo. Yeah, I just spoke of a religious belief and a popular social backlash as if they were on the same plane of importance. Sue me. Anyway, I’ll settle the score with Agnosticism in my next article; right now, the emo-haters are in my sights.

            To tell you the truth, I’ve never really been able to keep up with the ever-changing definition of “emo.” Zak wrote an article that defines emo, but I didn’t really understand it. It was too broad and generalized for my tastes ; ). From what I can gather, you used to be emo if you listen to emo music. Then, the definition of emo grew to include people that wear ties over their shirts. Then, it grew to include people that dye their hair black. Then, it grew to include people that wear tight pants and shirts. Now, it seems that people think you’re emo if you do so much as temporarily get depressed. Nowadays, anyone and everyone is emo in some sense of the word.

            But never mind that. For the sake of argument, let’s assume that the term emo encompasses only the hardcore emo kids. Although I never really hopped on the emo bandwagon myself, I really don’t mind emo’s huge growth. I say let them be depressed; let them cut themselves; let them shop at Hot Topic for their “pre-packaged sub-culture needs.” As long as they don’t bitch and moan and complain to me I could care less. I’m actually starting to enjoy the company of emo kids. I see them as a source of free entertainment (kind of like red-necks.) I’ve had some good times exploiting the emotional insecurity of emo kids. Just a few well-worded insults and they’re up in arms, all flustered and defensive. Funny little emo kids.

So now we have all of these trendy emo guys running around writing sad poetry and being emotional. This blatantly contradicts the image of the “macho man” that we’re all supposed to live up to. Therefore, it’s no surprise that there’s such a huge backlash against emo. I actually don’t have a problem with this anti-emo movement either. Senseless teenage conflict humors me. What pisses me off is the way that the emo-haters go about hating on emo. Aside from an insult here and there, I’ve never really seen someone flat-out taunt an emo kid. Instead, people choose to bitch about emo kids when they’re not around. They go on and on about how whiny emo kids are and how goofy they look in their thrift store clothes. What is all of this whining supposed to accomplish? I just ignored all of this anti-emo bitching at first, but it has gotten to a point where the anti-emo kids bitch more than the actual emo kids. Goddamn hypocrites ; ).

Stop bitching about emo and actually do something about it. Do what I do and try to talk the emo kids in to committing suicide. That’s always a fun approach. If you can’t do that, then just explain to the emo kids (not me) that emo is stupid. Go ahead, make fun of them; add fuel to their little emotional furnace. It will really benefit both sides. The anti-emo kids will get to make fun of the emo kids, and the emo kids will be given new reasons to be sad and depressed. This way, the battle over emo will drag on forever, and I can sit back and laugh as the conflict marches on. I win.                              

                                                                                -G

Hypocrisy aint so bad.

Give it a try.

            I must say, I am quite excited about writing this article. Hypocrisy has been a key element of my Xanga since day one, and I’ve been planning on devoting an article to it for months now. I decided to first wait until someone picked up on the underlying hypocrisy in my Xanga and tried to use it against me before writing my article. This would, in effect, make my article more potent and meaningful when I post it. Well, the day finally came. You guys suck by the way. I was sure that one of my regular semi-intelligent critics would pick up on my hypocrisy. But no, Luke, a newbie in the field of cynicism, was the first one to call me a hypocrite. That’s disappointing. Oh well, whadda ya gonna do? Without further ado, here’s my long-awaited hypocrisy article:

People are too hard on hypocrites. Hypocrisy has a horrible taboo associated with it for some reason. I could call someone a good-for-nothing douche-bag and not offend him/her, but if I were to call someone a hypocrite, all hell would break loose. Is hypocrisy really that bad?

I think people should be hypocritical more often. Why? Because hypocrisy kicks ass (get it?) No really, I personally see hypocrisy as a legitimate and logical skill. Moreover, I think that it requires a certain degree of knowledge and intelligence in order to be successfully practiced. The people that condemn hypocrisy are missing a fundamental aspect of it. You have to understand that no one is hypocritical just for the sake of being a hypocrite. There is always a reason behind it. Sure you have some people that are senseless, blatant hypocrites, but these people aren’t true to the art of hypocrisy; they’re just idiots. Skillful hypocrisy requires patience, intelligence, and cunning.

I know none of you guys know what I’m talking about when I say “skillful hypocrisy,” so let me bombard you with examples. First, a broad generalization: A form of skillful hypocrisy is telling someone not to do something that you yourself do in order to keep them from making the mistakes that you’ve made. This is where the maxim “Do as I say, not as I do.” comes from. Next, a specific illustration: Say your mom is addicted to crack. One day, you walk in on your mom smoking crack in your living room. Your mom, after she comes down from her high, proceeds to give you a long talk about how you should never use crack because it’s awful. Your mom is a hypocrite. However, she has a reason for her hypocrisy. She knows through personal experience that crack is bad and wants to spare you her fate. She is merely looking out for your best interests. Last, a personal testimonial: I’ve never been drunk, but I could tell you what it’s like to be drunk, where to get alcohol, what the best types of beer are, what a hangover is like, etc… In spite of my lack of first-hand experience, I’ve learned a lot about drinking via other means. I could advise someone about drinking even though I don’t do it myself. Does this make me a hypocrite? Yes. Is there something wrong with that? No.

Now that you all know that I’m down with hypocrisy, don’t think that I won’t jump all over you if you do or say something hypocritical. You see, the act of mocking the very thing that I praise elsewhere makes me a hypocrite, which is a good thing. I win.

                                                                                                               -G